Notes to my dad

We finally stopped by the cemetery when we were home last week to put some flowers out for you. I know it’s the first time we’ve been back since we buried you. In all honesty, I’ve avoided it because I knew it would be so painful. Whenever I drive by I pretend you aren’t gone, not in that cemetery at all but just up the hill at the house. But visiting the house is hard too, I want to see you open the door again…to see you smiling and so happy to see us. I want one more of your bear hugs that lasts forever. I miss you so much and I think of you nearly every day and still seeing a picture of you brings me to tears. I just don’t know that my heart will ever be the same. Love you

Dear Dad,

Twice in the same day this past week I managed to speak to someone about your passing, without welling up with tears. That’s a first after two years. Part of me is happy to have some small level of healing happening but I still miss you deeply and cry over losing you often. Later that night I did shed some tears which I don’t mind because I know it means my heart is still full of love for you.

Soon we are going home to visit the family and already I am feeling the pain of visiting your grave. I know that my heart will shatter all over again.

All my love…. sis

This year it didn’t sneak up on me so I had a day to two to prepare myself. In my heart I’m calling you to wish you a happy birthday.

Last night I dreamt that Danny and his family arrived at my house early to surprise me for Christmas. No sooner did I burst with joy, you walked in behind him…. but even in my dream I knew it couldn’t be real because you are gone and my heart broke all over again.

I dreamt about you last night. I was crying and you hugged me and asked what was wrong.  I could only say that I wasn’t ready to lose you, it was too soon.

And that’s really how I feel every single day. I miss you and I hate myself for not spending more time with you, for not knowing you better. Now it’s too late and all I can do is wish there was a way to go back in time and make things right.

Today snuck up on me like it always seems to but the moment I remembered it was your birthday today, I wanted to pick up the phone and talk to you. To hear your voice on the other end of the line, always so calm and quiet.  So many little things remind me of you and cause me to long for just one more phone call. A call where I could say all of those little things I always wanted to say.